Suicide and Dark Thoughts

When I was in middle school and high school I used to think about suicide all the time. I used to starve myself as well. I cried everyday because people in school were mean to me. Even in Elementary school I feel like I didn’t fit in. I miss being little because I was happy but I did have some bad memories. I’ve had a great life because I have a loving family that cares about me and friends along the way.

Today and for a few years I have gotten better. I do sometimes wish I didn’t exist but I never think about killing myself and never other people. I found an amazing therapist and people support me with my struggle of depression.

God loves me and YOU. So never feel like you should give up and commit suicide because people love you. You may think they don’t but they do. YOU ARE WORTHY and YOU ARE SPECIAL. If anyone ever needs to talk please contact me on here and I’ll do my best to help. Always talk to a therapist/guidance counselor/psychiatrist and call any suicide premium hotline or hospital.

I need and will change my negative self hatred dialogue in my mind because it isn’t true. I’m NOT stupid, NOT ugly, and NOT worthless.


January 31, 2015

Last night I stayed up too late because I was depressed and watched netflix and I watched the show,  “Skins” again. I forgot but I know it’s British slang for something teens do. I woke up grumpy and tired but I felt better after I took a got shower and I went with my folks to see, “Paddington.” I loved the movie it was so cute!! A great family movie. 🙂

I saw my therapist yesterday and I always feel better during and after my session with her. She’s amazing.  🙂 She told me to write a list of things I do and don’t like (in general to get to know myself better). Also to write affirmations today. I went to Papa Gino’s as well. It’s still freezing but at least the sun was out. If I don’t get much vitamin D then I get depressed. My therapist gave me a list of psychiatrists to call to get medicine for ADD and antidepressants.  I think it’s odd I get more depressed at night. :/ My parents, boyfriend, and my bestie and other friends help me a lot.

Bad News

My friend Lauren Anderson died last night of a seizure. I didn’t know her well but she was a sweet,  caring person and Christian. I know she is happy in Heaven. I miss her. My uncle has esophagus cancer so pray for him please. I know I am.

Blizzard of 2015!

Last night I  couldn’t sleep because I wasn’t sure if my parents and I were going to lose power. My mom got a little snow on her bed so she slept in my room in the other two the other twin bed. My dad slept in the couch downstairs. It’s windy today and I can’t believe we got 2 feet of snow! :O Today I woke up around 11:20. I still feel sleepy though.

I’m going to chat with Emily and Phil ad usual. Then read and watch, “Skins” an old English teen show about teens going through relationship drama and finding out who they are in the world.  I’ve seen it before but I didn’t remember most of it. Then maybe I’ll watch, “Wolfblood” later. Read in between or later.

I hope my parents and I and everyone I know doesn’t lose power. God Bless, keep warm and be safe! Peace and Hugs! Xoxoxoxoxo

Thoughts Tonight

I had a good day today I have one repeat client for massage and I got sixty dollars. 🙂

In six days I’ll get my new massage business cards! 😀

I’m nervous and sad that I never took the time to learn how to cook (except frozen foods which doesn’t count). So my mom will teach me and I’ll take notes and practice around her. I should’ve learned a long time ago. :/ Better late than never I guess. I feel like a failure though.

I also need to learn how to swim and how to write better. I need to learn how to focus which is difficult for me since I have ADD. Hopefully soon I’ll get meds for it. I hope I can because I’m already on medicine for anti depressants and insomnia. I’ve been watching a cool show on Netflix called, “WolfBlood” about teens and a few adults who can shape-shift into wolves and the story is in Ireland. There’s a character that looks like a female version of Shane Dawson (famous YouTuber) which is funny and weird.

Tomorrow morning (ugh I hate mornings) I’ll be watching my mom cook a chicken in the oven and I will take notes. We might go to the movies and see a romantic/drama about Stephen Hawking called, “The Theory of Everything.”

I can’t wait to join the writers group and Bible group.  I feel bad leaving the church we went to but it was small and too much singing. This one has more of a sermon and the seats are more comfortable.  More people as well.

Many New Things Going On!

Hi, as usual I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in awhile. I suxor (yes real word) at time management.  So I decided to take home health aide courses at Action Inc which is a social services organization in Gloucester.  My courses will be free! I took two reading and two math courses yesterday for two hours and I did very well in the reading portion and average in the math section. I just need to relearn fractions and learn medical math. I only need math if I decide to become a CNA (certified nurse assistant) which I probably will because they are in high demand.

Today I went out with my mom and I wanted to talk to the police officer clerk about my parking ticket violation. I paid for my ticket and I have the proof and I mailed a certified letter. I guess it got lost somehow. :/ She was at a funeral for a police officer that died. 😦 He was elderly though. My mom and I bought movies we bought a romantic one called, “Chocolat” with Johnny Depp and a woman and her little girl move to France and set up a chocolate store. They don’t go to church so everyone in the small village shun them for awhile but then people grow to like them. The lady falls in love with Johnny Depp ‘ s character and he’s a gypsy. 🙂 I got “American Pie” which is a popular movie about high school guys who want to lose their virginity (comedy). Also we got the “Monk” series season seven because the Mystery Train (records, cd, dvd store) didn’t have any other season.

My mom and I went to the Common Crow and she bought a huge jar of honey for her sinus allergies and acid free coffee. I bought tea tree soap for my skin (body acne and it’s good for dry skin). I also got Arnica Gel which is good for stiff and sore muscles; also bruises.  We went to Silica Caffè (I don’t know why they spell it with two f’s) and my mom and I got pizza she got one with lots of sauce and only a little cheese, I got cheese pizza. My mom loves the ice coffee there. 🙂 A guy thought he recognized us and he was very nice and chatted about honey with my mom and about his store he used to own (now he’s retired). He had on an Indiana Jones hat (similar and I don’t know what it’s called).

Also my mom and I saw a big, white poodle standing up a lot and the owner gave he/she food. One day my mom and I went to my dentist and there’s a pretty golden retriever named, “Nick” and he went up to my mom and put his nose in her coat sleeve when she had the coat across her lap. He also licked her.

I love Gloucester and Rockport! I do miss my family,  my boyfriend and my friends.  Especially my best friend Emily. But I’ll see her soon.

Also I just started using Mary Kay makeup and wrinkle cream (since I’m 27 now) and it works great!!

Massage Therapy is my passion and I am slowly building up my clientele. I am sad that I haven’t had many people lately but it’s been slow for many business in the North shore area. Sometime I want to check out more stores! I love the little bookstores and I want to go to the Pisces store (since that is my sign).

Sometime soon I plan on joining a women’s writing group in my town. 😀 I go to a new church and everyone seems nice I’m going to go to Bible Study on Sunday night.