I Don’t Want to Have Children and That’s OK

I love this article because I am 28 and I do not want to have any kids. I had a great childhood but I just don’t want kids because I like my freedom. I love children in general but I just don’t have the urge to procreate. I never even thought about marriage until two years ago. I want marriage but not kids just pets. 🙂 And it’s ok because it’s my life!!

It’s Been a Long time and not sure if I should keep this blog?

Many things have been going on in my life. I am a lot happier than I used to be. I’m training as a CNA (certified nursing assistant) at a nursing home. I love the residents and I like the staff. The cons are cleaning body fluids. :/ I love where I live and I’m poor but someday I hope this will change. I am rich because my parents, family and friends love me and I have my health. I have an amazing online boyfriend!! My therapist is superb and beyond my expectations. I might have ADHD and I’m going to see a psychiatrist soon.

My CNA tests are June 29th written and clinical (hands on) exam. I’m working full time so I have been very, very fatigued. My goals for this summer or this year (lol!) is to join a gym and lose 20 lbs because I’m only 5’3 and I weigh 146 😦 So I’m over my bmi (body mass index). I have only struggled with my weight since last year. My other goals are to read, play brain games, study more, to learn how to cook and swim!!

My parents and I got a refrigerator, washer and dryer yesterday after weeks of not having them which was horrible  we used a mini crappy fridge and we went to the laundromat.

I am very glad I live in this era 2015 because I have rights and I have a voice!! I am a woman and if I had to marry and have sex with someone who only wanted me for my dowry or ending up alone and being a servant that would have been a depressing life!!

I don’t have the energy to do massage therapy anymore I loved it but I just don’t have time anymore.

I’m going to research more about occupational therapy assistant (2 years) and occupational therapy.

God bless and I’m sorry for not posting!!

Also I haven’t been writing any poetry or stories because I haven’t been in the mindset for it. 😦

New Exciting Happenings! :D

I just found out I’m going to start taking home health aide courses March 2nd 5:30-8 pm Monday-Friday for five weeks! I can’t wait! Everyone is very helpful and friendly at Action Inc and it’s free! It’s been the worst winter I can remember lots of blizzards! :O I can’t wait till it all melts away and spring comes.  I’ve been watching an insane amount of Netflix movies. Today watching part 2 of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows.” Also later going to watch, “Inkheart.” I love Harry Potter movies and the books. I just joined for free http://www.pottermore.com where there’s Harry Potter games and stories. Yes I’m a dork! Lol 😉

This evening I shall read my textbook more.  Tomorrow I’m going to have therapy at 10 am with Mary and then doing a massage. I shoveled a little today with my mom. My mom has been working hard shoveling.  She shoveled the end of the driveway So it’ll be easier to see at the end of our street. 🙂

Phil mailed me a beautiful blue heart necklace a few days ago. He is very romantic and sweet. I’ll see him in the spring because the highway is difficult to travel on.

I can’t wait till we move which will be in a few months (section 8 housing) because my dad is a veteran.  Thank God! We will save money when we move because the rent is high here. I’m going to reapply for food stamps in Salem probably next Wednesday.

Please pray they don’t deny me for food stamps this time (it’s ridiculous that they deny anyone that needs food stamps). I’m glad we are getting fuel assistance. I love living in Gloucester but it is expensive. I’d rather be poor here than living back in Southbridge.

What the Fuck is Fuckable

I love Heather Matarazzo she’s an amazing actress! I haven’t seen, “Welcome to the Dollhouse.” I will buy it if I have to. She is beautiful! I need go believe I am as well!

Heather Matarazzo

Seriously? What the fuck is fuckable?? I don’t know if I can answer that question for you, but I can share my own experience.

When I was 19 or so, I was standing in a Starbucks in West Hollywood with a director, talking about the upcoming film we were about to shoot. It had been a long road, but we had finally made it. Waiting for our coffee, I could see that he seemed a bit uneasy. I asked him if everything was ok. He said yes. I didn’t believe him, so I asked him again. He looked at me and said “Heather, I’m sorry, we have to give your role to another actor. The producers don’t want you.” I didn’t understand. I had been attached to this project for two years, and now two weeks before filming, I’m being let go. I asked him why. He looked me dead…

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Things I like and Don’t Like Assignment

Things I like

1.) Fantasy fiction teen books with romance and faeries (celtic spelling).

2.) Connecting with people deep conversations about life.

3) Helping People

4.) Chocolate

5) Beach

6.) Zumba and how I feel after working out.

7.) Doing and getting massage therapy.

8.) Libraries and bookstores

9.) Art landscapes of beaches and also medieval paintings.  Also fantasy art.  

10.) Spring and summer 

11.) Netflix 

12.) YouTube

13.) Cats and animals

Things I Don’t Like

1.) Violence

2.) The government

3) bills

4) Ignorance

5) traffic

6) gaining weight

7.) Depression


Suicide and Dark Thoughts

When I was in middle school and high school I used to think about suicide all the time. I used to starve myself as well. I cried everyday because people in school were mean to me. Even in Elementary school I feel like I didn’t fit in. I miss being little because I was happy but I did have some bad memories. I’ve had a great life because I have a loving family that cares about me and friends along the way.

Today and for a few years I have gotten better. I do sometimes wish I didn’t exist but I never think about killing myself and never other people. I found an amazing therapist and people support me with my struggle of depression.

God loves me and YOU. So never feel like you should give up and commit suicide because people love you. You may think they don’t but they do. YOU ARE WORTHY and YOU ARE SPECIAL. If anyone ever needs to talk please contact me on here and I’ll do my best to help. Always talk to a therapist/guidance counselor/psychiatrist and call any suicide premium hotline or hospital.

I need and will change my negative self hatred dialogue in my mind because it isn’t true. I’m NOT stupid, NOT ugly, and NOT worthless.

January 31, 2015

Last night I stayed up too late because I was depressed and watched netflix and I watched the show,  “Skins” again. I forgot but I know it’s British slang for something teens do. I woke up grumpy and tired but I felt better after I took a got shower and I went with my folks to see, “Paddington.” I loved the movie it was so cute!! A great family movie. 🙂

I saw my therapist yesterday and I always feel better during and after my session with her. She’s amazing.  🙂 She told me to write a list of things I do and don’t like (in general to get to know myself better). Also to write affirmations today. I went to Papa Gino’s as well. It’s still freezing but at least the sun was out. If I don’t get much vitamin D then I get depressed. My therapist gave me a list of psychiatrists to call to get medicine for ADD and antidepressants.  I think it’s odd I get more depressed at night. :/ My parents, boyfriend, and my bestie and other friends help me a lot.

Bad News

My friend Lauren Anderson died last night of a seizure. I didn’t know her well but she was a sweet,  caring person and Christian. I know she is happy in Heaven. I miss her. My uncle has esophagus cancer so pray for him please. I know I am.